dragonfly reflections

I’ve been working hard over the last several months to live in the present, to appreciate who I am and where I am in each moment.  Sometimes I think I’ve got it, then an hour later I realize I’m in the midst of a category five worry-storm! I immediately start berating myself for it and before I know it I’m making a list of all the things I “need” to do to make my life better.  I think all that circling must suck the energy right out of me because I’m just exhausted!!

I’ve sort of had myself convinced lately that I don’t have much of anything fresh and new to share with the world - blog postings have been a little sparse and I haven’t participated in an SPC in weeks!  Then yesterday, I stopped for a sec to make some tea and the thought “mmmm - fresh cup of tea” crossed my mind; “hmmmm (said I), that might make a decent SPC,” then I looked at the Yogi Tea message and everything seemed to converge into a moment of perfection…

This picture reminds me that each moment of my life is “fresh” - all I really have to do is get my ego out of the way and allow the color and emotion and love I have inside me a chance to emerge!

Namaste,
Kelley

Click here for a peek at other “fresh” ideas.

My kitties provide me with endless entertainment.  Here are a couple of Tucker-centric highlights from the past week…

• Hubby and I were watching Survivor and Tucker was sleeping close by.  All of the sudden the ceiling fan came on (all by itself, nobody was anywhere near the switch).  When our fan switches on, it makes three little high-pitched beeps.  As soon as that first beep went off, Tucker literally leaped about two feet in the air, landed with a terror-stricken look on his face, and dashed out of the room like the devil was on his tail for certain!  We had to rewind Survivor after we got over the fit of resulting laughter.  Poor Tuck didn’t come out of hiding all night.
• We discovered Tucker has worms.  Hubby stopped by the vet and came home with flea medicine (seems the kind of worms Tucker has are caused by fleas) and a pill.  So… cats and pills… Hubby and I were both thinking “yeah, this should be fun.”  Hubby sat down on the ottoman where Tucker was sleeping and said, “Hey Tuck, open your mouth.”  Tucker opened his mouth, hubby tossed in the pill, Tucker made a funny face, swallowed, then rolled over and went back to sleep.  We sure weren’t expecting that.
• Tucker wears a bell on his collar.  I mainly do that for Trixie’s sake because otherwise, I just know Tuck would take great delight in sneaking up and scaring poor Trix witless.  Every morning when my alarm goes off, I hear first the alarm, then the tinkle-tinkle of Tucker’s bell as he comes to check whether my eyes are open or not.  If my eyes are open, he settles in for a cuddle.  I know he’s there, but if I’m not ready to wake up, I keep them closed and he sort of stomps away until the next round (yes, I’m a snooze-alarm girl and , yes, I think he might be onto me).

I hope I don’t sound too much like a crazy cat lady, but it’s just been a Tucker kind of a week.

Namaste,
Kelley

Sunday was an all around glorious day!  We had a cool front move through Saturday night, so the high for the day was a perfect 68 degrees; I slept til 10am (okay, I normally don’t sleep that late, but it was Mother’s Day and I deserved it :D); I had a choir concert that went so well we received a standing ovation (which never fails to give me goose bumps!); and my daughterS came to hear me sing!  Technically, I only have one biological daughter, but Meg’s partner Stephanie has become one of our family and when several of my choir friends asked if “these” were my daughters, I just said yes - like it was the most natural thing in the world (and it was).

Here’s the Mother’s Day card the girls got me - the caption inside reads, “It was from you that I learned to be me” …

As soon as I saw it, I remembered that I had a similar picture of Meg at about the same age, walking around in Mommy’s shoes, pretending to be a “business lady.”  Was she cute or what!! …

This spring has been a little bit tumultuous for us - long-held secrets have been revealed, Meg’s graduating college (Bachelor of Arts in Religious Studies), and she and Stephanie are moving in just a few short days to Colorado!  You look at your children when they’re little and it never really occurs to you that they will one day be adults - oh, you know it on an intellectual level, of course; but your heart just doesn’t recognize it.  You worry, sometimes desperately, about whether you’re doing the right things… am I guiding her down the right path, am I preparing her for the rough spots, am I giving her the tools she’ll need to be happy as an adult, but mostly you just move through the days, never even imagining that they’ll be over so soon.

Megan’s move is going to be hard and I’ll shed buckets more tears before I get completely comfortable with it, but I know in my heart that she’ll be okay because she has the courage to be who she is - the courage to follow her heart wherever it might lead. Beyond health, happiness, and a roof over her head, I think the biggest thing I want for Megan is to know and love who she is - THAT is more sacred to me than anything else.

Happy Mother’s Day,
Kelley

I noticed recently that alot of people seem to hit my blog with searches about Dragonflies, so I thought it might be fun to share what I know or have learned about them. 

I discovered Dragonflies a couple of years ago on a weekend trip to a natural springs in southern Oklahoma, called Turner Falls.  We’d hiked all morning, had lunch under the trees, gotten wet in the freezing cold spring water, and I was just lounging on a blanket in the sun when I noticed a Dragonfly resting on a twig right beside me (within 2 feet).  This lovely lady sat with me for the better part of an hour!  She would fly away for a bit, then come right back.  On some level, I felt as though we were communicating, exchanging the heart-felt energy of a joyful summer day.  At that point in my life, I was already experiencing some major life transformations and when I learned a little more about the lovely Dragonfly (or Damselfly - which is technically what I saw at the springs), I knew it had to be my totem.

So, here are a few of the things people have asked about…

• how long do they live
• where do they come from
• what is the purpose of a Dragonfly (I can only assume they meant dragonfly “lore”)
• and one person searched on “dragonfly friendship poem,” for which I’ve scoured the internet, without success, so I wrote my own at the end of this post

Dragonflies are born in water and live most of their lives under water in a larval state - at this stage of their lives, they’re called Nymphs and they breath with gills and feed on small tadpoles and fish anywhere from 3 months to 5 years!  (depending on the size of the Dragonfly)

When the Nymph is ready, it will wait until nightfall, then climb up a reed or some other plant that rises out of the water.  When touched by air, the Nymph will begin to breath and its larval skin will split, releasing the adult Dragonfly.  As an adult, Dragonflies only live about 3-4 months, they rarely bite (and then only if caught and mishandled) and are not able to sting.  Adult Dragonflies live near water, so if you have a pond or fountain in your yard (and have the time and resources to do some careful garden planning), there’s a chance you might attract some.  If you do, take good care of them because they are predators that feed on mosquitoes, gnats, flies and other small insects that we’d all just as soon live without!

As far as “where they come from,” I haven’t been able to find any one place - they seem to have existed all over the world in many different cultures.  Some stories depict them as sinister and evil, while others point to their courage, strength and happiness, my preference being the latter, of course.  The most commonly accepted lore that I’ve found is Native American in origin and suggests that Dragonflies represent the winds of change.  They bring us messages of wisdom, enlightenment and sometimes renewal after a time of hardship and they possess the ability to see through illusion and encourage us to move past self-imposed limitations to grasp our inner truth.

Some tell of a time when Dragonfly roamed the earth as Dragon.  She was covered with beautiful, shimmering scales and could change form at will. She carried great strength, but was easily fooled and one day Coyote tricked Dragon into changing into a tiny Dragonfly.  Dragon became forever trapped in this illusion of its own making and the story suggests, when Dragonfly enters our lives, it is time to carefully examine the illusions we’ve created about ourselves and remember that we too can change form at will and wield great inner strength.  Dragonfly is a gentle reminder of our own limitless divinity.

So, all that’s left is the poem I promised…

i dreamed i met a dragonfly lady
she offered to answer my questions and sing me my truths
so we communed together beside the quiet waters of a lake and i said…
   legend tells of a time when you were strong
   but then were fooled
   into thinking you are far less than you are

are you learning, like me, that there is no point in…
   hiding your true self from the world?
   distrusting the hearts of others?
   lamenting your losses?

as a younger woman, i hid beneath the surface of my life…
   in the daylight hours, i believed all that really mattered was hard work
   in the night, i sedated myself to sooth my broken heart and find courage
   i hated my mother

through this kinship that we share, dear dragonfly friend, i’ve come to understand…
   love matters more than hard work or profit
   life is the greatest high there is
   and my beautiful mother did the very best she could

as i look into my mirrored reflection
i see a woman leaving her nymph behind and
allowing the light of divinity to touch her wings as she takes flight

thank you, my friend, for guiding me.

Namaste,
Kelley

Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragonfly
http://www.dragonflywood.com/cards.html

This past weekend, I attended a yoga teacher workshop and, as always, it was truly transformative. We saw the movie I posted about Saturday night, talked a little about “Mandala of Being” (Richard Moss) and finished the self-inquiry work we had started a few weeks ago, based on “Anatomy of the Spirit” (Caroline Myss).  The overall theme of the weekend was “living in the moment” and one of the highlights was a meditation clinic led by a local teacher and spiritualist named Joe Long.

I have a very talkative mind – if you met me, that might come as a surprise because I tend to be the quiet one in any given group. My grandmother always said of me, “still waters run deep.” I don’t know about that, but I do know my “waters” tend to be pretty turbulent (we’re talking category V+) so it takes quite a lot to shut me up (internally speaking, of course).

Yoga has been the one thing that can calm my stormy waters – but even that isn’t always enough. I’ve often found myself halfway into Trikonasana or some other pose only to realize I’m making a grocery list or comparing my expression of the pose to my neighbor’s. I should cut myself a little slack here, because at least I notice that I’m doing this and can redirect my mind to what I’m doing, but it seems to be a constant struggle.

In this meditation clinic, Joe walked us through a chakra clearing meditation that my yoga teacher referred to as a “40-gallon drum of chakra whoop-ass.”  I cannot possibly even begin to describe it beyond to say it was incredible and I have never meditated so deeply in my life!  But, he also gave us a couple of really good tips for “”returning to the present” that I’d like to share with you…

• One is simply to focus on sensation. Joe told us that when your mind starts racing or you feel your emotions getting out of control, just stop and focus on the sensation of your body in space. At one point, he directed us to focus on our toes, then to shift our focus to the top of our heads, then to alternate between the two (like a pendulum) and ultimately to let the pendulum fall still and rest in the center.  I found this very effective!
• Second was a way to release those really difficult emotions.  He says the ones that seem to come up for us over and over are sort of like children - every time one of these “children” starts to misbehave, we distract ourselves to keep from really dealing with it.  Joe suggested that, by doing this, we’re essentially blocking the exit. Our inner children are trying to come up so they can go out. Joe says all we have to do is get out of the way – leave door open, let the emotion come up, take a good hard look at it, then move aside so it can find its way out.

I fear I’m going to have to let my “children” out of the closet first – but I think maybe I have them locked in the hall closet, where it’s only a few more steps to the front door!

Namaste,
Kelley

Several weeks ago, I shared the trailer from Louise Haye’s “You Can Heal Your Life” and the response has been amazing. It seems like everybody needs to hear the message that movie offers. Tonight I saw another, completely unrelated, film that presented such a similar message that I just had to share a clip.

In this scene, Angela guides the main character, Andre, to the realization that he is worthy of love…

It’s a beautiful little film (and I promise, after a few minutes, you won’t mind the subtitles) featuring fantastic characters, an inspirational story and Paris! Who could ask for more!

http://www.sonyclassics.com/angel-a/

Namaste,
Kelley

A few days ago, one of my favorite bloggers offered this invitation to “let go of the shoulds and the pulls of others and things around you… to check in with yourself through writing an accounting…”   Liz’s post touched home for me because it seems like I’m constantly creating shoulds in my life - so much so that even the things I really want to do become chores.  I get so caught up in my list of current busy-ness that I forget how wonderful it can be to slowly stretch into a yoga pose; to wake up with pink paint and gluey glitter on my fingers; or to just feel, at a soul level, the warmth of the sun on my skin, the breath of the wind through my hair, and the scent of spring in the air.

After a whole lot of messy internal work lately, here are a few things I know…

• I am in control of my health and my happiness - nobody else can take credit for it and nobody else is to blame if health and happiness elude me.
• I can and do make a positive difference in the lives of others every day just by offering myself in service (however small), by offering a smile or a cheerful comment (even if it’s over the phone or in email), and by being present and aware of every moment.
• In this moment, I can see that the shadows of my childhood are nothing more than stories and stories are not who I am.
• My presence, combined with forgiveness (of others and of myself), is the key to my healing.

Namaste,
Kelley

I’ve been tagged by Tawny to do a 5×5 meme.  I have to admit that until this tag, I had no idea what a meme even was, but now I am oh-so-hip to the meme (rhymes with “dream” and is just a list of questions that you answer, then pass on to somebody else to answer - more info here).  I thought it might be fun to do some of this in photos - thanks Tawny!!

Five Things Found in your Bag:

Five Favorite Things in your Room [Art Studio]:

Art Journal project in progress…

Miss Trixie, lounging in “her” comfy chair…

“Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength” - Mary Engelbreit words to live by…

This is a clock that Megan made me for my birthday one year. I used to have it in a spot where Miss Trix could reach it - you can tell because the second hand is a little deformed. I still love it (and Miss Trix too, of course)…

I just got this last week and Hubby (very sweetly and without a single complaint) put it together for me. I LOVE this thing - very high quality craftsmanship and it’s on wheels, so I can roll it wherever I need it. I have all my paints in the bottom drawer and lots of other goodies I need close at hand in the others. Check out the company that makes them here.

 

Five Things I Have Always Wanted To Do:  I’ve been thinking about doing a whole post on this.  My daughter and her partner have created “Bucket Lists” (after the movie) and are steadily marking things off - I’m still searching for a creative name for my list, but here are my current top 5:

• Travel to Greece
• Be my own boss
• Live in a remote cabin by water (lake, ocean, babbling brook - I’m not picky) or at least take an extended vacation there
• Go on a Grand Canyon hiking trip
• Take some art classes (I have some scheduled actually - starting in June!!)

Five Things I am Currently Into:

• Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping - this is one of the books my Energy Psychologist uses as the basis for his work.  The premise is everything that happens to you is custom-designed by the universe to help you realize what you were placed into your particular life to learn or discover.  It’s opening many new insights for me.
• A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle - truly a life-changing book and, as Tawny said, I’m into it big time.  Had to take a break to finish some work for my Yoga Teacher Training workshop this weekend, but I’m really hoping to I will get back to it next week.
• Art Journaling - Through my art journal pages, I’m finally learning to cut myself a little slack and just play.  If you need inspiration, check out Suzi Blu - she’s fantastic!!!
• Yoga - I go to yoga class three times a week and am enrolled in a Yoga Teacher Training program, which my teachers also refer to as “Life Mastery.”  I’m not sure at this point if I will teach yoga - it hasn’t been as much about teaching as it’s been about getting acquainted with myself.  We’ve broken down the poses, but we’ve also gotten into meditation, chakra work, self inquiry (which we’re finishing this coming weekend), and so much more.  I’ve truly loved every second of it!!
• Singing/Choir - when I was little, my grandfather would often pull out his guitar and try to coax a song out of me.  I was so very shy that he was rarely successful and when he passed away, I realized how much I regretted not having shared my voice more.  About two years ago, I stumbled on a local, non-profit community choir and, after taking a deep cleansing breath to calm my feelings of abject terror, joined.  It has been the joy of my heart and I’m finding myself finally coming out of my shell a little bit musically!

Five People I Want to Tag:  These are some of my favorite ladies and I hope they’ll all jump in so we can get to know them better (please, please, pretty please?)…

• http://islandgirlspirit.blogspot.com
• http://www.melaniehocking.com
• http://www.amarettogirl.squarespace.com
• http://flamingogirl.com/blog
• http://browneyedfox.blogspot.com/

Namaste,
Kelley

I was able to spend some time with my family this weekend.  They live in a small town in southern Oklahoma and I don’t get to see them nearly enough.  This weekend was my nephew Dannin’s 14th birthday and my sister invited me down to share birthday cake.

For a little over a year now, I’ve been keeping a pretty big secret from my Mom.  Well, technically, it’s not my secret - it’s my daughter, Megan’s, secret; but it ate at me to not tell her because I had to sort of lie about certain things to keep from revealing the secret.  My mother, being no more a dummy than her daughter, suspected something was up and, when we had a moment alone together this weekend, she finally asked the big question …. is Megan gay? 

Do you ever meet a moment when words escape you?  A moment that you’ve waited for and wished for and then it finally comes and, even though you’ve waited forever and played back what you’d say over and over in your head, you still feel somehow unprepared?  This was one of those moments for me - the pause in between the question and my answer seemed interminable and, I realize now, was probably an answer in itself.  In the end, I just said “yes, she and Stephanie are a couple.”  Megan has said from the beginning that if the question came up, she would answer honestly, so that’s what I decided to do to. 

I’m not proud of some of the things I did to hide the secret - I described Steph as “our friend” instead of “Meg’s girlfriend”; when Stephanie posted a blog using the words “my love” to describe Megan, I unlinked her from my favorites list; when I spoke to my family about things I’d done with both Meg and Steph, I would always leave Stephanie’s name off, I’d say “Meg and I” did such-and-such, as if Stephanie were an invisible presence during the outing in question.  I’m sorry for this because it sounds an awful lot like shame and it was never that - it was always just fear.

I wonder if other parents of gay children go through this - censoring how they speak with certain people to avoid being judged somehow faulty.  I have found that some people have odd reactions - I’ve had people start naming off all the gay people they know as if to somehow prove they’re part of the “club”; or I’ve had people apologize, as though somebody had died instead of just choosing an alternate path; one person even suggested I shouldn’t feel guilty because it wasn’t my “fault”.

As I write this, I wonder what the right reaction would be?  Maybe joy?  That my daughter is in a loving relationship.  Maybe respect?  That I raised a daughter who can be true to herself, even if does mean the heart of the bible belt might not be the best place for her to put down roots.  Maybe no reaction at all?  Might I see a day in my lifetime when the word “gay” does not raise eyebrows or cause people to throw up walls?

When I started this blog, I said that I would share all the parts of this journey I’m on.  Megan and Stephanie have taught me more in the time they’ve been together than I learned my whole life about being honest with yourself and putting aside a life that suits the world but not you.  I’m not quite ready to give up certain of my own safety nets, but I know it’s only fear that holds me back and fear is just a story that I will one day face with courage and determination. 

In the end, I’m proud and honored to have a daughter that passes up the road well-traveled to follow her heart down the one that’s a little pot-holed and overgrown by grass.  I believe the adventure is to be found on the road less traveled - what more could a mother ask for her daughter than that?

When I work on my art journal, I usually keep a huge piece of watercolor paper underneath so I don’t make too much of a mess of my table.  I’ve had the same piece there for several weeks now and keep noticing interesting little squiggles and patterns developing - I’ve stamped on it, stuck the remnants of stickers to it, tried out lines of poetry on it, and have now been inspired by it.  Ms. Kitty (?) below was inspired by the remnants of sticker outlines.  I’m calling her a Kitty because that’s what she most closely resembles to me - but I like to think she’s a little something more, maybe something the universe delivered to brighten my day?

Namaste,
Kelley